Local Idiot Horrified By Barack Obama Mall Shooting

Kurt Strickland, described by neighbors and co-workers as "kind of a douchebag" and someone who "doesn't follow the news", was horrified this week when scraps of news and skimmed headlines led him to believe that Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama senselessly gunned down eight Christmas shoppers in a Nebraska mall.

Strickland believes that Barack Obama, 46, shot and killed five women and three men, seriously injuring two other people, on Wednesday at the Westroads Mall before turning the weapon on himself, in what news outlets are calling a "staggering act of cowardice" and a "shooting horror." "Six of Obama's victims were store staff, which is sad," says Strickland. He is unsure whether the spree was motivated by campaign stress or by certain allegations the Clinton camp claims to be withholding.

"I mean, I heard the dude was progressive and, like, liberal," said Strickland, "but I had no idea he was capable of that kind of psychotic-ass behavior." Strickland, 32, is employed as a car salesman at his father's dealership, a neighborhood staple since 1984. He was reportedly "horrified" upon incorrectly learning that Obama, who at the time was considered by many to be a front-runner for the Democratic nomination, had fired an AK-47 into crowds. Obama had, uptil then, "been my second-choice besides the Law & Order dude," said Strickland.

According to Strickland, who has been passing on his knowledge to his friends and bar associates, Obama entered the Van Maul store in the Nebraska mall on Wednesday morning. Shortly thereafter he began to fire an AK-47 at customers and staff in a manner described as "indiscriminate." Strickland was unsurprised by this. "Remember his speech way back at the Democratic convention? Remember all that United Colors of Bennetton crap? The guy's totally not about discrimination."

"I heard the victims were mothers, brothers, sisters and fathers," Strickland told the press. "That's, like, extra tragic. I think society should totally work to make sure that no victims of crimes are family members."

At the end of it all, Strickland finds himself just as many of the families and friends of those whom he perceives as Obama's victims feel: confused and sad. "I mean, first I hear he shot himself in the back of the head," says Strickland, "And now I hear he might take New Hampshire? How screwed are we if we can't even stop one nutbag with an AK from capturing an entire state?"